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May 20th, 2017

sci_starborne: Sign of the Fox (pic#181874)
Saturday, May 20th, 2017 11:35 pm
Tied Semagic to Dreamwidth, and it seems as good a time as any to start using it again.

Two years ago today, Lara died as far as I'm concerned. She was found on the 22nd, but the 20th was the last I heard from her. And it's been a horrible couple of years.

All the geopolitical shit that drags you down more each day, the number of people who ran for the hills when I most needed them and the realisation of how far I'd go to bring her back if it were possible has left me walking in a world of ghosts. Every person I smile at, talk to, see, is just a ghost. Nothing is real anymore.

But then we've also got, what? Four different extinction-level events scheduled in the next few decades? And the organised disruption of the only agencies capable of preventing or even mitigating them.

I'm just in a sort of relaxed nhilism now. I'm not getting stressed anymore because nothing matters. I'd like it to be different, and maybe it will in time, but for now I'm just finding a new balance. I'm doing things because I want to, which as someone who historically hates themselves is a hell of a change from waiting to please other people in the hope they'll like me.

Right now my goal is to make money to fund the satisfaction of completing some old things. I've cleared a lot of dead weight from my life in the form of three weeks just cleaning. I've been consolidating my tools and projects. Soon I think I'm going to reach a critical mass of the correct equipment to do some pretty cool stuff. But I also need money, so I'm making up for two years of business apathy too.

Low socialisation is making continuous work somewhat difficult, but it's getting there. Personal fittness is also sub-par and something I'm working on.

The change in outlook has changed what hormones I produce, and my body feels more toxic. Everything is a bit harsher, and I feel a lot older.