Peter "Sci" Turpin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sci_starborne) wrote2017-09-11 02:11 am
sci_starborne) wrote2017-09-11 02:11 am
A debris field
I had intended to purposefully avoid relationships for the foreseeable future, as I feel I do not value my own desires enough and so I ignore them in relationships, breeding resentment. It is not anothers responsibility to draw that out of me.
What desires do I even have? I feel dead.
I feel embarassed that some months back, despite this I flirted with a friend of mine because I thought they were attracted to me. I think myself so inherently worthless that I cannot pass up any chance for a relationship, because what are the odds someone else will want me. No matter how bad it might be.
I feel old. I feel guilty for finding people younger than me attractive. I justify it by the rationale that relationships with notable age differences are ripe ground for abuses of power from relative levels of life experience, income or personal utility as well as life goals. But as someone who has always been introspective, learning more than most from experiences, who for his age is of limited utility, income and maintains a close connection to current events, I wonder if I'm not just using it as an excuse to avoid people thinking I'm some sort of predator.
I feel miserable. I do not currently have the capacity to feel emotional investment in anyone. Every learnt-response to go to someone in pain is now fear and revulsion. Every bit in the last few months has been painfully forced. I wonder how this would combine with my inability to form long-term relationships anyway.
I was always told it's what's inside someone that counts. And I still beleive it, but it makes me feel guilty for not finding men attractive. Knowing so many people in varying stages of transitioning between sexes is helping determine what it is about someone that makes them appear attractive to me and how much of it is gendered.
My sense of attraction is fragmented. I'm attracted to styles, expressiveness, personalities and certain physical characteristics. But they are all seperate. One or another, never together. And as such it feels shallow and broken. I do not currently know how to bring them together.
What desires do I even have? I feel dead.
I feel embarassed that some months back, despite this I flirted with a friend of mine because I thought they were attracted to me. I think myself so inherently worthless that I cannot pass up any chance for a relationship, because what are the odds someone else will want me. No matter how bad it might be.
I feel old. I feel guilty for finding people younger than me attractive. I justify it by the rationale that relationships with notable age differences are ripe ground for abuses of power from relative levels of life experience, income or personal utility as well as life goals. But as someone who has always been introspective, learning more than most from experiences, who for his age is of limited utility, income and maintains a close connection to current events, I wonder if I'm not just using it as an excuse to avoid people thinking I'm some sort of predator.
I feel miserable. I do not currently have the capacity to feel emotional investment in anyone. Every learnt-response to go to someone in pain is now fear and revulsion. Every bit in the last few months has been painfully forced. I wonder how this would combine with my inability to form long-term relationships anyway.
I was always told it's what's inside someone that counts. And I still beleive it, but it makes me feel guilty for not finding men attractive. Knowing so many people in varying stages of transitioning between sexes is helping determine what it is about someone that makes them appear attractive to me and how much of it is gendered.
My sense of attraction is fragmented. I'm attracted to styles, expressiveness, personalities and certain physical characteristics. But they are all seperate. One or another, never together. And as such it feels shallow and broken. I do not currently know how to bring them together.